Grateful Sunday #31-34: You Know You Like It But It Drives You Insane

“So, it has come to this….”

Life. What the above is referring to is life; mine in particular.  This meandering contemplation on what is and what has come to be crossed my mind at about 6 p.m. on a Sunday evening a couple of weeks ago, as I was sitting cross-legged on the dusty floor in the back room of Hollister store #450921354012354.  More specifically, this thought occurred to me as I was in the midst of sorting through a bin of 250+ training bras and scanning price tags, one by one.

Subjectively I’m hoping that I can look back on the above scenario ten years from now, knowing it was just that grindstone grunt work that needed to be done to progress on to the next stepping stone, as my professional career begins to find a more definitive path.  Nevertheless, it was undoubtedly one of those “What the fuck?” moments, where you wonder with both curiosity and incredulity how exactly it is that you came to be there at that precise moment in time.

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Then I took another moment, collected my mindbrain, and examined the larger picture.  No matter where I am now, it is almost 100% a better spot to be in, than had I chosen not to forever alter the course of my life nearly a year ago.  In the instant after that I realized that exactly a year ago from that day, I had also been at work…but in a completely and totally different environment.  I was, at that time, the captain of a rave boat.

Out of context that pretty much makes no sense: what I mean is that I was the chief organizer of a 3-hour double-decker party boat tour around the Genesee river, featuring DJs, drinks, and dancing.  It was probably the biggest night I put together during my tenure as an event promoter, and almost single-handedly, at that.  Sadly it was not the brand-embellishing blowout we needed it to be for the sake of the company’s future (we barely broke even), but it was at once a highly demanding and extremely fun project to work on.

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Hoist the flag; reel the anchor; drop the bass.

I remember waking up on my boss’ couch that morning (we had gone out drinking together the night previous; I forget what the occasion was, but I do remember still feeling drunk upon waking).  He was not yet up but his roommate was, so we cracked a couple of beers (the roomie was also nursing a hangover).  When my boss came downstairs he invited me along to lunch – he was going to pick up the talent for the boat party from the airport (a semi-renown Toronto DJ) and get him and his girlfriend some local cuisine.  So I proceeded to drunkenly crack wise and tell stories, entertaining our evening’s headliner over burgers and coffee.  Not an entirely uncommon type of situation for me, in those days.

It just never fails to boggle my mind, how unpredictable the passage of time can be.  As in, the last possible thing I thought I would be doing a year from that night is counting training bras in the back of Hollister.  And furthermore, that I would be grateful to even be doing that.  I visited my former roommate (and one of my closest friends) in Rochester earlier this week, and we marveled at another flashback in time: approximately six years ago, we were just getting through our first month of college.  That feels like an entire lifetime ago, relative to where our respective lives are at now.  Where will we be in another six years, at age 30??

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The only thing I know for certain about the future is that I know nothing for certain about the future.  Hopes//fears//dreams//nightmares//successes//failures//loves//heartbreaks//wealth//poverty…buy the ticket, take the ride.  Except I’m gonna be behind the damn wheel for this one.  I will own myself, and own my choices & decisions.  I will own them because they will be derived from me and me alone, and not a dependency (or co-dependency).  Much of the work I am doing now, and will continue to engage in throughout my life, is rooted in personal centrism (but not self-importance).  I will not play victim to external forces in my life.  If there comes a day when life appears to have stripped away any and all things I could ever care for, there will always be one thing left – my sense of self, of awareness, of acceptance.  Nothing can take that from me.

“Some people want me to be heads or tails /
I say no way, try again another day /
I should be happy, not tipping the scales /
I just won’t lay, letting my life get away /

I’m no fool, no, I’m not a follower /
I don’t take things as they come, if they bring me down /
Life can be cruel, if you’re a dreamer /
I just wanna have some fun, don’t tell me what can’t be done

I somehow missed this when it blew up summer 2012, but having recently found it I am obsessed. Remixes are still dropping left and right so it’s staying current (in blog time), too.  Such simple lyrics accompanied by a twirling, minimalist melody…but it hits so deep.

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