The past 7-10 days have just been a whirlwind of non-stop activity (thus the lapse in original material). Let me see if I can succinctly recount my recent goings-ons:
– Completed my outpatient therapy program last Wednesday (great success!)
– Which consequently made me eligible to apply for my full driver’s license
– Traveled with my mom and brother up to Vermont last weekend to watch him compete in a club soccer tournament
– DID get my driver’s license restored
– Got a call to interview for a part-time “inventory-taker” position I applied for
– Drove myself to the interview and was hired on the spot (read: got a damn job)
– Over the course of one late night, spent 7 hours in the ER with my sister so she could get an IV & antibiotics to treat a brutal infection
– Received family from Florida to the house earlier in the week, as I have a cousin getting married tomorrow (today)
– Went in for a 3-hour training session for the inventory-taking position
– Attended a large-scale wedding “pre-party,” featuring lots of family and some old acquaintances not seen in years
And in between all this, I have been doing well managing my regular jogging routine (14 runs since 05/27 – the Nike+ Running app helps me stay on task); my step actually feels a few pounds lighter for it (though my stomach does not necessarily reflect this). So sleep this week has felt more like playing catch-up than actual rest, and somehow I still feel behind on it. But I have to say: it feels good to be busy again.
As I suspected it would, having the privilege to legally drive at any hour of the day restored to me has made the flow of life seem much more natural. Had not realized how much I took having a car/being able to drive it for granted, but wow. What a difference it makes, for my deflated sense of autonomy & self-empowerment. Having control over my mobility seems to have deflected some of the intensity of focus on what I would call “the needs of my program,” i.e. daily meetings, outpatient appointments, etc. Not that I’m abandoning my duties to sobriety in favor of my free will; rather, just that I no longer will constantly require assistance from others to properly manage them.
This newfound freedom has come at a good time. The other day I caught myself nostalgically remember last year’s summer days in Rochester, when I basically roamed the streets as I pleased without any sort of restraint. I still have not completely gotten over the fact that there are certain “oppressions” I must now subject myself to. In my old life, the outlandish fantasies of my wildest imagination were limited only by the collection of numbers electronically stored on a plastic card tucked in the fold of my wallet. Nobody likes to be told they can’t. And really it’s not that I can’t; it’s that I won’t. My damn brain will for the rest of my life try to convince me that maybe I should, but I’m smarter than myself. Have to be, anyway.
Vermont last weekend was a blast, though. We went out for a celebratory Outback Steakhouse dinner Saturday night (the team placed 2nd; a huge improvement on last year’s no-win weekend), and it was here that I remembered how much I enjoy/had missed casual conversation with adults my parents’ age. Not that this was an aspect entirely missing from my life, but I just hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d had a casual night out. Alcohol was mostly a non-issue. I do remember once longingly eying the glass of whiskey the gentleman across from me was sipping while we were talking…what a sick fucking disease it is, that it can make you salivate like a dog over a t-bone, in the presence of a rocks glass of scotch. At this point I know it’s not a risk; it really just makes me angry that I involuntarily feel that way, more than anything.
Well it is now 3a.m., and I have a full day of wedding ahead of me. This post will be continued in Sunday’s gratitude, as I haven’t covered fully what I intended to.
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