This whole lifestyle change has made me really appreciate the simplicity of what I already have in life. It seems like we always want more, more, MORE – I’m definitely guilty of this, and sometimes I feel guilty about that, too. Despite all that I don’t have, I’m blessed to have more…stability. Stability is the word I’m looking for. I have more stability than the majority of people who walk this earth, financially, emotionally, characteristically, or otherwise.
Sadly VEVO seems to have taken over ownership of a lot of official music videos, and proceeded to ruin their integrity by censoring curse words. Fucking pricks. It really does alter the meaning of the song, when you mess with the delivery.
I’m also learning a lot about the very real distinction in want vs. need, especially in emotional capacities. Muddled in a haze of vodka fumes, it was easy for my brain to confuse mere “wants” for hard “needs.” Consequently, I did not even possess the level of maturity necessary for the acquisition, and then cultivation, of those “wants.” This stemmed largely from my inability to understand the concept that loving myself truly & wholly was the key to receiving reciprocal love from the world around me. Then, I would continue to drink, exasperated & disillusioned by my misfortunes and unhappiness…which were of course products of my own doing. And thus the cycle would repeat itself.
Breaking free of that cycle has allowed me to face life on life’s terms, rather than retreating or escaping into manufactured numbness. “It is what it is” – a mantra that I find a use for almost daily. I have historically never stood for interpersonal drama or petty quarrels, and now I find myself even further removed from such situations (or people). I’m only interested in interacting with other individuals who have something to offer this world; enlightened beings with passion, drive, a desire to learn more than will ever be possible.
If nothing else, I’m grateful for my passion for life. I still possess all the ignorant arrogance of a 23-year-old, but I do more than simply exist: I live. It may be a fight to the finish, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend my life as a slave to systems, concepts, beliefs that I do not agree with. I believe it is said that people who burn internally with this drive, who grapple with their own intellect, are more prone to substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors. Indeed, when you cannot alter the world, what else can you do but attack yourself?
But those are selfish actions. More than just my own well-being is at stake here. To not acknowledge all the advantages I have, all that I have been given, all that has been sacrificed at the expense of others for my sake…it would be unfair of me. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up and own yourself. For a long time, I was afraid of this. I therefore acted out of cowardice, and pursued the easier path.
This is no longer my life. Meaning and purpose have returned. Exactly what those words mean will take further investigation into the depths of my psyche; this work can only be conducted over the course of time. Time – as good a note as any to end on; 3:49 AM needs to cease to be my standard of “goodnight.” One could say I’m…up all night to get lucky.
If by “get lucky” I mean “aimlessly browse the Internet and contemplate life,” then yes. Mostly I just wanted to make this reference. Album drops in 2 weeks!