Let me be perfectly clear that I was in no way forced to enter inpatient rehabilitation. Mostly I just wanted to use the Amy Winehouse reference (RIP). The past few months have been a whirlwind, but now that some time has passed I feel that life is slowing & stabilizing a bit. It’s given me ample time to reflect on what my world really is amounting to. To be honest, I have to say it’s kinda surreal to say that at age 23, I’ve gone through rehab treatment. Even if I may have recognized self-destructive patterns the past few years, I still would not have been able to picture myself undergoing any real treatment, especially a program as intensive as inpatient rehab.
I’ve come to realize that if I had needed to arrive at this solution solely of my own accord & action, I most likely would never actually make it in the door. The resistance comes from a mixture of hubris and shame. I am too proud, too independent to seek help; I am too ashamed I have such a problem with substance abuse. Admitting that I have an issue of this nature that required legitimate treatment was one of the most difficult situations I’ve faced in my life.
An enormous amount of pressure was lifted, however, when it was my loving family members that gently suggested the option for me. Hearing the words come from a voice that was not my own was such a relief; it was very easy from that point on to be 100% in agreement with what was to come next. I put my brain on autopilot for the next few days, until I arrived to the rehabilitation center. There was not a single doubt in my mind that this was what I needed.
Even though I am not yet on the meditative/contemplative/reflective/existential level that I strive for, what I’ve learned (and will continue to absorb) in my treatment has totally altered my worldview. Four months ago, I made a choice that will lead me down an entirely new & different path in life. Had I continued on my previous course, though not completely charted, it would only be a matter of time before it came to the same inevitable end.
I must also express gratitude for one other thing today, on its 40th anniversary: Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” album. Can you believe that record has been blowing minds for FORTY YEARS?? As in, when I’m nearing 34 years of age, Dark Side will have existed for HALF A CENTURY. Wild. Undoubtedly one of rock’s most important compositions. No joke: I discovered whole realms of philosophy, society, and life while studying this album through my adolescent years.
“Kicking around on a piece of ground /
in your home town
Waiting for someone or something /
to show you the way”