I love duality & modality; the more I fully take in the world around me, the more I begin to observe how many aspects of life they apply to. I also love the ampersand, and try to use it wherever possible. Does the average reader/writer have a favorite punctuation mark? Or is that me being overly nerdy in regards to writing? It did get me in a bit of hot water once, my fondness for the ampersand – months ago I had sent out a few resumes that were riddled with “&,” when instead there should have been the proper “and.” Not that I think it would really be cause enough for an employer hiring hourly positions to disregard my application, but still.
Ampersands aside, through internal observation it seems that my energy level/motivation/ambition over the course of time follows the cyclical pattern of peaks & troughs. Probably not a groundbreaking development in the realm of the human psyche, but I don’t often keep track of it over extended periods. Sometimes I’ll be on the up & up and be ready to accomplish 30 things; other times, I couldn’t be bothered to move a muscle – and so on, up & down, back & forth. For example, this week I’ve felt a relatively good push, hence the regular posting. Recognizing the pattern helps me to best maximize the highs and minimize the lows. When I’ve got the drive, I must take advantage of it, like a surfer paddling out to catch the most optimal wave. When I’m actin’ a sloth, the key play is to alter some circuit in my thinking loop to snap myself off of it.
This essentially boils down to emotion-monitoring. It was an arduous task to flesh out where I actually stood emotionally while I was drinking; I would drink when I was happy or in celebration, I would drink when I was lonely or disappointed – after a while it all blended together as just “drunk.”
Though Animal House is something of an ode to freewheeling booze binges among co-eds, it’s still one of my favorites.
With a clear head and a strong heart, the ability to properly analyze one’s own emotions gradually returns to the reformed user. It’s something we’re probably pretty out of touch with, our emotions (especially in early recovery). Though acknowledging/understanding all these feelings we’ve avoided for so long can be confusing and disorienting, fighting how we feel does us no service. Fluctuations between the high and the low are inevitable; it remains imperative to remember this, and to keep the idea of balance in the back of our minds.
The Dude Abides.
Sometimes I’ll have a fleeting moment where time ceases to exist and my brain is rocked by the notion of how miniscule any emotion I could ever feel is, taken in relation to the astronomical scope of the universe (heady stuff, man). It’s a humbling (and strangely relaxing) thought to have, in the midst of a bout of emotional turmoil. I like to think that’s just my Higher Power reminding me “easy does it,” because really, when we face the fact that we are to accept life on life’s terms:
But. Seriously. Let us take a moment to appreciate just how fuckin’ rad deep space is.
While we’re talking peaks and highs, how have I been doing on my list of 23 goals, posted in my first entry (https://eloquentzen.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/and-so-it-begins/)? Well, not much progress has been made; however, the majority are long-term and require a good sense of emotional and financial stability to undertake (i.e., not ideal for early recovery). But there remains a handful that are attainable – they just require attention and effort. Stay tuned for updates on which I have chosen to get after.
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On a huge Gramatik peak of late. The funk is simply undeniable.