I spend lots of time in the present, and when I’m not careful, equally as much in the past. This is a pretty difficult thing for me to manage right now, because sorting through and making sense of it all requires me to engage in a kind of work I have never really done before. It is exhausting and painful but at the same time rewarding and liberating. I can say with complete certainty, though, that if I had gone on drinking with no intention of stopping, I would NEVER have dealt with the rawness of life. It is simply not possible to do this kind of thinking while under heavy mental sedation via the bottle.
Even though the fog is lifting and a more complete picture of the past is forming, it’s not necessarily as simple as acknowledging it and letting it go. The “what-ifs” and “should-haves” impulsively begin turning their gears without warning. I am aware of why. I understand there is no use entertaining them. No altering that which has already passed. No need to drag it into the present, and sludge it through the future.
I’m finding that I have no guidelines to follow, when applying this to relationships – be they intimate, friendships, acquaintances, whatever. In my generation’s obsession with over-sharing, clearly outlined social constructs for managing past relationships into the near-to-distant future have not been laid out. I can think of probably a dozen different media platforms through which I could connect with (or “stalk”) any number of people I know that are invested in a digital presence. That also means there are a dozen different ways I can ignore those people.
Part of me thinks it important to maintain some level of communication with individuals I don’t see face-to-face on a regular basis. Another part of me thinks this a futile and pointless exercise in trying to maintain weak social ties. I feel like I can pretty safely say that for the majority of people I am “connected” with, I won’t ever have a real-life interaction with them again. I’m sick of trying to force uninterested parties to give a shit. That’s fine and great we knew each other way back when, but let’s be real for a minute here…are we going to really have a continued/meaningful impact on one another? At some point, I’ve got to let this notion go that it will somehow matter later on.
Onward, then. The reassuring thing in my mind is that though it might just be another shit day in suck city right now, the prospect of having a crystalline future reinforces the importance of the work I’m doing. I’ve been given the chance to make a stable life for myself. New shit has come to light, man. Once I get my house in order, I can achieve virtually anything I want, so long as I fully commit my mind to it. I’m grateful to have the tools and presence of mind to get there.
“Well do you see
The future’s holidays are for me
Just let me know
Where we go after the fall”
And maybe I’ll change it along the way.