What Am “I?”

At the present moment, “I” am someone who forgot to write an entry yesterday (NFC/AFC division championship games, job searching, etc.), so I will make up for this with one post now, and one later tonight.  I have set an achievable goal of writing 365 posts in 365 days, so I am allowing myself the safety net/fall back clause of posting multiple times per day when needed.

Now having defined my present self in real-time, what really am I?  Yesterday’s meeting touched on the topic of the “arrogant” ego, and how to let it go.  This is another characteristic trait common among alcoholics and addicts – the desire to individually and independently control life, on their own terms.  I find this rather ironic, because by the very definition of their substance abuse, neither group is known for having any true control whatsoever.

It seems to come from that same selfish part of this affliction that is insistent upon disregarding what we wholly (want to) value – family, friends, work, love – in favor of the next drink or drug.  Now that I’ve become properly aware of it, I can see how the disease has been manipulating my subconscious, leading me to believe that I could successfully try any number of methods to control my drinking – so long as I did keep trying to manage it, myself.

“I was waiting on a moment /
but the moment never came /
All the billion other moments /
were just slipping all away”


While I was reflecting on my personal ego in the meeting yesterday, I realized it is still very much active and at play, even though I am now educated about and armed against my alcoholism.  Because of precisely the fact that I feel prepared to battle this 2nd self of mine, an arrogant thought had infected my mind.

“I know what I am up against now.  I will not succumb to it.  You know what?  I bet I could go out, right now, and buy a bottle of booze.  And I could bring it home, and set it on my desk, and simply stare at it.  I have steeled my mind so far enough that it will be of no concern.  My will is far greater than to fall victim to my weakness.”


This is, of course, NOT the case.  As soon as I realized that thought had been in my mind, I just as quickly understood why it was there and how much a deceitful falsehood it was.  This is what I mean by staying “ever-vigilant” – these things tend to creep up on you.  And when you least expect, they will strike.  The harder they come, the harder you’ll fall.

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